For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a Mom. When I was in my late 30s and was not married I tried using a sperm donor to get pregnant and be a single Mom. I was driven if not obsessed with becoming pregnant. But that was not meant to be and after much heart ache and soul searching I came to peace with not being able to get pregnant. Then I met Naing. We knew from the very beginning we were going to adopt our family.
Then the drive was on to get his green card and get the adoption paperwork done so I could be a Mom already. I am blessed that I got to quit my job and experience staying home with my children. I am amazed and in awe of how well they are doing especially since there are days I feel like a failure as a Mom. This is so much harder than I ever imagined it could be.
Haven is my challenge during the day. She is a child that learns by touching. The downfall of that is she has to experience everything, even when she is told no touch. She is into everything. Does not respect the boundaries even though she knows them, because she will tell you no touch, no, no. Haven was at the orphanage in Meki for 13 months before her birth Mom gave her up for adoption. She has a high level of need, some days her needs can not physically be met. She can never be held enough, or fed enough (she did just finish treatment for tapeworms, so I'm hoping that helps the hunger issue). She asks to be on me or held by me all day long. She does not want to go play with Alec she just wants to be with me at all times and touching me at all times. This is a problem because I have Alec to attend to as well.
I worry about her and wonder if she will ever feel loved enough. Or will she be a young girl trying to find love from any man she meets. (I have known women like this.) That is what scares me the most. At times I think her emotions do not always match the situation at hand and I'm going to discuss this with our social worker at are next home study in a few weeks. Haven laughs at anything and everything even in serious situations unless she is crying. I just want her to feel the love that we have for her as enough and have her become a strong, confident, independent woman. I know she has only been home 5 months so I shouldn't expect her to be there yet, but I can't help but wonder when will she get there, or will she ever get there?
Alec is my challenge at night. He still doesn't sleep through the night. He has night terrors. He wakes up screaming, kicking, and hitting at all hours of the night, some times only once, but most nights multiple times. There is not a time pattern to these screams, so I can not wake him up to prevent them as suggested by the pediatrician. I have been told he will out grow them, but when. We are running on low energy here when our sleep is so interrupted. When he is in this state only I can comfort him, he doesn't want Naing. He was an abandoned baby and I wonder if he remembers and relives that every night being left outside when he was so sick. During the day is his a happy, easy going one year old. He laughs and plays well by himself. He fights with Haven because she takes his things, but they can also play well together. I have tried everything I know of and have not been able to help him sleep through the night. I am trying some medication my naturalpath gave me, but that hasn't seem to help either. His screams of terror, just break my heart.
Sorry this post isn't my normal cuteness and pictures but I needed to express my concerns. So much of the adoption process is trust in the outcome that was meant to be. That you get the children you are meant to have. So I wonder what am I suppose to be doing that I'm not doing to help Haven and Alec get over their challenges we are facing now.
4 Kind Words:
First of all I want to tell you what an amazing Mom you are. I struggled with both my adopted children and I already had five of my own before I got there....you rock in my book....I would just continue to love Haven giving her affection but also teaching her boundries remembering she is still very young and in some part acting her age....we dealt with night terrors with two of our bio kids and they did outgrow it. I suspect Alecs will be longer than normal but continue to do what your peds tells you. He will outgrow it. One thing I have learned about parenting is love is primary, setting boundries and sticking to them and not giving our kids crutches or excuses for thei behavior (age appropriate of course)...anyway like I said you are doing an awesome job...its tough with one but two at the same time is even tougher, you will prevail! and they will grow up beautifully
My oldest bio son had night terrors. They are hard to watch and there really isn't anything you can do about them. He will outgrow them.
Talking to your social worker about your concerns is the right approach. He/she should be able to give you some suggestions or at least direct you to someone who can.
I have no doubt that you are a wonderful mom. The fact that you're willing to put your concerns out here and are looking for help and suggestions just goes to prove that.
Night terrors are very hard... my Emily had them when she was about two. It was around the time when I was pregnant with Anna and then when Anna was a (very difficult and colicky!) new baby. Kids frequently experience them in times of stress or change. The good news is that they don't remember them at all in the daytime, so at least you have your happy boy during the day. It will go away, but it might take awhile.
You are having a lot of the same types of challenges with Haven that we had with the twins, although she is of course much younger. They both still have trouble with obeying "no" and are always touching (frequently breaking!) things they aren't supposed to etc. I can't remember if I recommended it to you before, but I really love the book "The Connected Child" by Dr. Karyn Purvis. It really explains the reasons behind a lot of the behaviors that newly adopted kids have, especially when they have come from an orphanage environment. I can't recommend it enough, and it is easy to read... I read a chapter every night before I went to sleep. I think it will really help you to understand Haven't behaviors and separate what is "toddler" behavior and what is "adopted" behavior.
You have taken a lot on yourself... you haven't even been married all that long and now you are a mother of two! What a woman! So give yourself a break and recognize that you are doing a great job! I think it is very helpful to share your feeling because you will find out that you are so NOT alone. Hugs!
Whenever I hit a brick wall in parenting where I have tried everything and nothing is working to resolve a particular issue, I pray -often- about it. And then I kick myself for waiting so long and wonder why I try that only after nothing else works. I am going to start praying for Alec's night terrors to go away. Let me know when they stop.
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